For the majority of my life I have struggled through the pain of my Eating Disorder. It’s a pain like no other! One of physical aches and pains, emotional numbness, and depression beyond explanation. It’s been a journey of ups and downs, hospitals and treatments, doctors and therapists, and uncontrolable frustrations. I’ve experienced many losses and let-downs. I’ve seen and felt what it’s like to knock on death’s door, but through all of this I am still here. I have realized that there is a purpose for me on this Earth. I have struggled with this long enough to know that it is definitely a miracle I’m still alive.
The Road To Recovery is long and bumpy and I am only at the beginning. I have good days and bad, and trust me when I say the bad ones can be “very bad.” I often put blame on myself for this disease and it’s still very hard for me to express my emotions. My “go to” is to put on a mask and act like everything is OK. I am lucky, though, that I have people I trust with all those pent-up emotions. I have people that I can cry too, and that will hold my hand. I have “safe” places where I can say anything and not feel judged. That is such an important thing to have when trying to recover from an Eating Disorder.
I suppose feeling pain is actually a good thing. I mean, it’s better than being numb. Feeling the pain, and still trying to power through, is courageous and strong. When I’m in the middle of that pain it feels like it will never end, but then when I can finally see the light I start to feel some relief. I know these bumps will still happen and that I have a long road ahead of me, but I am still here for a reason. As long as I can acknowlegde that there is a purpose for me, I can keep pushing forward.