I know some people who like every aspect of their life planned out, and I mean every aspect. I do have to confess that I am very type A personality and I DO like things organized/planned in such a way, but I also have a spontaneous side. That part of me has always been there, but the more entrapped I became in my Eating Disorder the more I stifled that part of me. Can you imagine having to plan everything out just to keep the anxiety at bay? Feeling the need to live every day the same as the day before? I guess that part of my Eating Disorder needed stability and that was the way I found it. BUT….Every once in a while I was able to see that spontaneous side of myself. I could vaguely remember how it felt to “throw caution to the wind” and just “go with the flow.” I then realized that that was when I was my happiest.
If we live every day by an itinerary are we really living? If we are so focused on what comes next, how much is passing us by? Being spontaneous is all about living to LIVE and experiencing new things. It’s all about welcoming change and enjoying being surprised. I am learning to trust that part of myself and not let the Eating Disorder control it. I’ve begun to remember those times when I was spontaneous and how HAPPY it made me. I love the freedom I feel from not knowing. I welcome change and jump at the chance to try something new.
I want to LIVE and I will NO LONGER let this Eating Disorder prevent that…..