Live Life….

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Life goes on whether you choose to embrace it or let it pass you by….

I have spent almost half my life in hiding while the world went on around me. My eating disorder (ANA) forced me into hiding with the intent of making “her” my one and only friend. And as I became more engulfed in the disease so did my isolation and my fear of living a real life. ANA was winning her battle. The longer I listened to her lies, the more I forgot how to live. Then one day I lifted my head and looked around to see that I had no idea where I was. If you can imagine closing your eyes and the next time you open them it’s 15yrs later. Everyone is older, the scenery has changed, and here you are lost and confused. Life had continued on and I had let it pass me by. I desperately wanted to be a part of the changes and I wanted to break away from ANA, but I didn’t know how.  How could I ever “live” again when I had forgotten how? Everything was so different, including me. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. At first I just sat and observed. I watched how people acted and interacted and then I tried to mimic it. I began to fit in the space, but something still didn’t feel right. I realized that I can’t be a part of the world until I know exactly who I am and how I complete the puzzle. I am slowly learning more and more about myself, but it’s a complicated process. ANA is constantly in my shadow. She beckons saying that she is the only one who really cares and she knows how to ease my pain. She  puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers in my ear. The temptation is strong , but I don’t want her aw my “friend anymore. Friends aren’t supposed to hurt you and put you down. Friends are supposed to pick you up and dust you off. I know she will always be there, but if I continue to fight I can shut her up and EMBRACE LIFE.

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